


Would you still be my friend if Tsukki killed us both?

by Ashimattack



Series: Fragments [4]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Domesticity, M/M, Multi, mostly just cuteness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-25
Updated: 2016-04-25
Packaged: 2018-06-04 10:35:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6654592
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ashimattack/pseuds/Ashimattack
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“But it seems like we may have just… accidentally fixed it?” said Bokuto in confusion, “with a volleyball?”</p>
<p>“You guys realise that you should’ve told your landlord about this sooner right?” asked Tsukishima incredulously. Bokuto and Kuroo just shrugged.</p>
<p>“Yeah but nothing works in this house,” replied Bokuto, “some of the doorhandles get stuck all the time. The other day we got locked in the bathroom together. Didn't have our phones or anything, had to knock on the door and yell until Iwaizumi finally let us out twenty minutes later.”</p>
<p>“Well, 25 minutes after he was finished laughing at us,” added in Kuroo</p>
            </blockquote>





	Would you still be my friend if Tsukki killed us both?

**Author's Note:**

> I have no excuses for this

Tsukishima had been sitting quietly in his lounge room, drinking a cup of tea when he was rudely interrupted by Kuroo and Bokuto barging in and demanding he come with them at once. Daichi and Sugawara were out shopping, and Akaashi wasn’t due back from where he had been visiting his family until the day after. Tsukishima was looking forward to it: it wasn't that he didn't like the extra attention he’d been receiving from his other two boyfriends for the past week, it was just that he missed the more steady pace of Akaashi. 

“We need to go now,” said Bokuto breathlessly as he and Kuroo ran in the door.

“What? Where?” asked Tsukishima, affronted.

“No time to explain, just get in the car!” said Kuroo with great urgency.

Tsukishima looked around confusedly but allowed himself to be hurried towards the car, he’d never seen the other two this distressed before.

Once they were all settled into Kuroo’s Honda Jazz Tsukishima allowed himself a moment of hesitation.

“Wait so where are we going??” he asked again.

“There’s honestly no time to explain,” said Kuroo as he drove at his usual steady pace; at least 10km under the speed limit.

“What? Can’t you just tell me while we are driving?” asked Tsukishima in confusion.

“Nope,” answered Bokuto, “there is absolutely no time.”

Tsukishima sat in silence in the back seat for approximately 30 seconds before he started getting annoyed.

“Are you serious? Just tell me where we are going.”

“Tsukki,” said Kuroo seriously, “I honestly would, honestly! But I can’t. There’s just no time at all.”

“Absolutely none,” affirmed Bokuto. Tsukishima just sighed and looked out the window, trying to figure out where they were headed but it was an Autumn evening and it had already gotten dark so it was hard to make anything out clearly. He squinted out the window but even knowing where they were didn’t help him guess where they could be going.

“Are we going somewhere so you can hunt and kill me?” he asked conversationally, “because it's a lot of effort really.”

“Tsukki we’d tell you but there is just no time, can't you see how hurried we are?” asked Kuroo as he continued to drive at the same speed.

“Hey Kuroo,” said Bokuto suddenly, as though a fantastic idea had just popped into his head, it was the same tone that often gave Tsukishima nightmares, “would you still be my friend if I hunted men for sport?”

Kuroo looked thoughtful for a second as he seemed to ponder the question.

“It depends, are you going to hunt me or any of my boyfriends?” he asked finally.

“Nah, just people we don’t like,” replied Bokuto, “I’d let you come along too of course.”

“Yeah that’d be fine,” answered Kuroo, “would you still be my friend if I didn’t invite you along to my hunting of men?”

“Well, I mean I’d be hurt but I’d understand,” replied Bokuto. Tsukishima just groaned.

“Wait so there’s no time to explain to me where the hell we’re going but there’s time to play the ‘would you still be my friend game’?” he nearly shouted. Tsukishima hated that game. It basically constituted of one of them asking the other if they’d still be friends if they did increasingly absurd actions.

“Well duh, this is something we’re doing while we drive, it doesn’t take up any extra time,” replied Bokuto before he turned to Kuroo, “would you still be my friend if I just didn't get it like Tsukki?”

“Of course, Tsukki can’t help that he just doesn’t understand the urgency sometimes,” replied Kuroo.

“Would you still be my friend if I just set myself on fire,” asked Tsukishima, “like, right here in your back seat.”

Bokuto and Kuroo paused for a moment to ponder the question.

“Not if you wrecked my car,” answered Kuroo, “would you wreck my car?”

“Almost certainly,” replied Tsukishima.

“Then honestly I think we’d be better friends,” answered Bokuto.

“Really?” asked Tsukishima incredulously, “that’s what our friendship was missing? Me being on fire?”

“Yeah man 100%,” was the only reply.

“Wait so you don’t care about my car at all?” asked Kuroo, affronted, “would you still be my friend if I just never drove you anywhere at all ever again?”

“I don’t know man, would you still be my friend if I just never rode you ever again?” shot back Bokuto.

“Of course I would,” Kuroo looked offended at the question, “you’re my bro.”

“Aw bro!” said Bokuto as he put his hand over his heart, “would you still be my friend if I was actually your brother?”

“Yes but we probably wouldn’t sleep together anymore,” replied Kuroo, “would you still be my friend if I turned out to be your father?”

“Well apart from the fact that you’re younger than me that’d probably be pretty cool,” replied Bokuto, “would I get to call you Daddy?”

“Bro that’s gross,” replied Kuroo, “I’m kinkshaming.”

“Would you still be my friend if I got turned on by you kinkshaming me?”

“Would you guys please just tell me where we are going?” asked Tsukishima, exasperated.

“Sorry Tsukki, there’s just no time,” was the by now expected response.  
Tsukishima just sighed and revelled in the few moments of quiet that followed until it was inevitably broken.

“Would you still be my friend if every full moon I just ran naked through the forest? Like, I’m not a werewolf or anything, just a weirdo,” asked Kuroo.

“Like a werenudist?” asked Bokuto with a scrunched up face.

“That’s not a thing,” complained Tsukishima from the back seat.

“Oh,” said Bokuto thoughtfully, “what about a werewolf? Would you still be my  
friend if I was a werewolf?”

“Probably,” replied Kuroo, “would you still be my friend if I was a nudist?”

“We would be better friends,” replied Bokuto, “would you still be my friend if I was a naked werewolf?”

“Aren’t most wolves naked?” asked Kuroo, “would you still be my friend if I were a wolf but wearing clothes?”

“Hm I feel like that would be okay,” said Bokuto, “but what if I was a person but wearing wolf clothes?”

“What are wolf clothes?” asked Kuroo.

“Like a collar and shit,” replied Bokuto.

“Wolves don't wear collars,” Tsukishima scoffed.

“Dogs do though,” supplied Kuroo helpfully, “or a domesticated wolf.”

“Oh. Would you still be my friend if I domesticated a wolf and put a collar on it?” asked Bokuto.

“Would you still be my friend if I domesticated a wolf but then wore the collar myself?”

“That’d actually be pretty hot,” replied Bokuto, “would you still be my friend if-“

“I will be neither of your friend’s if you don't shut the fuck up,” interrupted Tsukishima.

“….”

“Would you still be my friend if Tsukki killed us both?” 

\--

“Why are we at the train station,” asked Tsukishima with absolutely zero inflection, so the his two companions weren’t entirely sure if it was even supposed to be a question, “are we going somewhere really far away so that you can dispose of my body easier? Because you do have a car, you could just drive there.”

“Yeah but we wanna save petrol,” said Kuroo as he pulled in front of a parking space and started reverse parking into it; the car behind him beeped angrily.

“What an asshole,” Kuroo remarked to himself as they angrily drove around him, “did you see that filthy look they gave me?”

“I’m proud of them,” said Tsukishima.

“What, why?” asked Bokuto.

“Well someone has to be, obviously their parents aren’t,” was Tsukishima’s reply. Bokuto gaped at him and Kuroo laughed.

“Have I mentioned that I love you, Tsukki?” he asked, “because I do.”

“You don’t mention it nearly as much as you should,” replied Tsukki, “does this mean you’ll tell me why you are here yet?”

“I would but I don't want to ruin the surprise!” said Bokuto, “It's a really good one!”

“Aw yeah it is!” replied Kuroo, “it’s honestly even more exciting than the time Oikawa and I realised that if we angled our doors correctly and sat in specific positions we could see each other in his mirror,” remarked Kuroo and Tsukishima sighed at the memory. Kuroo and Oikawa had indeed discovered this “secret communication method” and had even learned some basic sign language as a way of utilising this newfound gift and had spent days communicating with each other only through sign language. Bokuto had been incredibly offended and taken refuge at Akaashi and Tsukishima’s, seemingly trying to make up for the silences by being even louder. Iwaizumi on the other hand had a blissful few days of silence until he picked up some sign language himself and realised they’d been talking about his ass the whole time.

“Akaashi is coming back early isn’t he?” said Tsukishima with almost certainty. Both Bokuto and Kuroo’s faces fell as they turned around to face him.

“How did you figure it out?” whined Bokuto.

“Honestly that was just wishful thinking but thank you for clarifying,” said Tsukishima, “but I couldn’t really think of much else that would be that exciting.”

“Whatever,” Kuroo huffed, “his train should be getting in soon; let’s go wait on the platform!”

“Yeah!” shouted Bokuto as he threw his door open, nearly hitting the car beside them in his haste. Tsukishima just sighed and followed his two excitable boyfriends through the car park and down into the underpass beneath the train tracks.

As they were walking up the ramp to get to the platform Bokuto held his arms out behind him towards Tsukishima. Tsukishima sighed again and reached forward to grab his hands but at the last minute Bokuto lent forward slightly and took off ahead of him in what appeared to be the Naruto run. Tsukishima fumed.

“Seriously? Are you kidding me right now?” Bokuto paused his running up the ramp and turned around in confusion, he’d honestly just planned on doing his weird run and had not realised that his boyfriend was trying to hold his hands.

“What did I do?” he asked in confusion. Kuroo, who had witnessed the entire exchange from the top of the ramp, was laughing so hard he had to sit down for a moment and Tsukishima just stalked past Bokuto without offering him another look.

“What did I do?” he whined as he sat down beside them both on the seat on the platform.

“Tsukki wanted to hold your hand,” answered Kuroo, “but you weeb-ran away from him before he could.”

Bokuto’s mouth gaped open and he turned to Tsukshima, who was looking away with a red tint to his cheeks that at this point could’ve been either anger or embarrassment (or even both).

“You tried to hold my hand?” he looked blessed, like he had just been given a million volleyballs or that time that Akaashi had carried him up the stairs when he had hurt his foot (that boy was surprisingly strong).

Tsukishima was distracted from his embarrassment by the train arriving. The three boys waited eagerly as their fourth counterpart got off the train, wearing a big jacket that might’ve belonged to Kuroo and a white scarf.

Bokuto and Kuroo both simultaneously “aww”d upon seeing him and both rushed forward for a hug. Akaashi smiled as he allowed himself to be enveloped by them both for a moment before motioning to Tsukishima that he should come join too. Tsukishima tch’d and pretended to be put out, but happily joined in the hug.

“Akaashi can you make us curry? I’m starving,” said Bokuto as they were walking to the car.

“Seriously? That’s the first thing you’re going to ask him?” said Tsukishima incredulously.

“Well yeah,” replied Bokuto, “I missed him. And his wonderful curry.”

Akaashi just laughed, “I don't mind,” he said.

“You should mind!” scolded Tsukishima but Akaashi just held a hand out to him. He stared at it for a moment before accepting it, a slight blush on his cheeks.

“I missed you too,” said Akaashi.

\--

Kuroo jostled the groceries to his other hand and wiggled his keys into the door. They’d gotten home and checked the cupboard for ingredients, only to find they didn't have any water chestnuts, which were Kuroo’s favourite. Fortunately they could be added at the end, so he let Akaashi start cooking while he went out to get some.

As he walked into the kitchen he was greeted with the sight of Akaashi in the kitchen, wearing a flowery apron (it had been a gag gift that turned out to be surprisingly useful, as well as incredibly cute) while singing along to heavy metal covers of Disney songs. Kuroo just shook his head at Akaashi’s weird music taste while his boyfriend smiled at him gratefully.

“I’m so glad you’re here! My hands are covered in gross chicken stuff right now so I need you to feed be some of that chocolate cake,” said Akaashi as he motioned towards the “welcome back” cake they’d gotten him (it was just a cheap one from the supermarket, but chocolate cake was Akaashi’s favourite and he wasn’t picky). Kuroo just laughed and broke him off a piece, placing it gently into his open mouth. He heard a wolf whistle and they both turned around to see Bokuto sitting at the bottom of the staircase in a computer chair, swivelled towards him.

“Looking good guys,” he remarked before he was hit in the head with a blow up volleyball, thrown from where Tsukishima was sitting halfway up the stairs. Bokuto swivelled around again, looking offended.

“You’re the one who wanted to play, at least pay attention,” Tsukishima scoffed. 

“What’re you even playing?” asked Kuroo as he stared at them both in confusion, Akaashi laughed.

“They’re just throwing it to each other,” he said, “but they keep trying to bounce it off the upper deck and hitting themselves in the head instead.”

“How did you get roped into this?” Kuroo asked Tsukishima incredulously; his boyfriend just shrugged.

“I’m pretty tired right now,” he replied, “and if I do this I don't have to move. Bokuto does all the work, I just sit here and throw it back while he slides around trying to catch it. it's a win win really, I don’t have to do anything and he just tires himself out.”

“Why do I feel like you’re referring to me as a rowdy three year old?” asked Bokuto.

“Sorry love,” was Tsukishima’s reply as he aimed the ball at Bokuto’s head again. Bokuto shot his fist up and punched it at the last minute, sending it careening into the smoke alarm and knocking it down.

All four of them just stared at it in shock for a minute before the silence broke as Bokuto scrambled to his feet and Tsukishima started complaining.

“Are you serious right now?” Tsukishima complained.

“That was your fault!” Bokuto said as he frantically tried to put it back up. Akaashi just sighed and went back to his cooking, adding in the newly acquired water chestnuts. Kuroo sighed and helped Bokuto put the fire alarm back, it started beeping immediately and both of them just stared in shock.

“What, why is it beeping?” asked Bokuto in confusion.

“That’s what a fire alarm does,” said Tsukishima.

“Yeah but this one is broken,” answered Kuroo, “it hasn't worked at all since we moved in.”

“And you haven’t tried to fix it?” asked Akaashi.

“Well its just the kitchen one,” answered Kuroo, “the other one works and Bokuto burns toast so often that this one would be pointless anyway so we never bothered.”

“But it seems like we may have just… accidentally fixed it?” said Bokuto in confusion, “with a volleyball?”

“You guys realise that you should’ve told your landlord about this sooner right?” asked Tsukishima incredulously. Bokuto and Kuroo just shrugged.

“Yeah but nothing works in this house,” replied Bokuto, “some of the doorhandles get stuck all the time. The other day we got locked in the bathroom together. Didn't have our phones or anything, had to knock on the door and yell until Iwaizumi finally let us out twenty minutes later.”

“Well, 25 minutes after he was finished laughing at us,” added in Kuroo, “the tv aerial doesn't work either.”

“Oh Oikawa said he was going to get that fixed!” said Bokuto excitedly.

“Really?” asked Kuroo with equal excitement, “does that mean we can watch lame reality tv now?? Please get heavily invested into my kitchen rules with me!”

“That sounds like such an awful idea,” remarked Tsukishima from where he was still situated on the staircase.

“Ohhh man it’s so good though! There’s always the horrible ones,” said Kuroo, “who’re so nasty to everyone.”

“They’re not actually that awful,” said Tsukishima, “they just frame them that way so its interesting tv.”

“And thank god for that,” replied Bokuto, “could you imagine how boring it’d be if they didn't?”

“Guys dinner is nearly ready,” said Akaashi from the kitchen, “why don’t you all come sit at the table now?”

“And do what?” asked Bokuto.

“I don’t know, talk to each other?” said Akaashi with a raised eyebrow, “there’s a newspaper there.”

“Why do they even print the newspaper anymore?” asked Tsukishima as he eyed it with disgust, “everything’s online now, it’s honestly just a dying medium.”

“Iwaizumi reads it,” answered Kuroo, “do you think he is a dying medium?”

“What like, he sees ghosts and stuff?” asked Bokuto.

“Imagine if there was a tv show about that,” said Kuroo wistfully, “I’d watch it, but only if it was like, a lame reality show.”

“A reality show about a medium who is dying? Isn’t that a bit of a niche market?” asked Akaashi.

“Wait if a medium becomes a ghost does that mean they can just communicate with everybody?” asked Bokuto and everyone kind of just stared for a moment.

“Shit,” remarked Kuroo, “you just messed up my head bro.”

“Sorry,” replied Bokuto, “but its still not as bad as the time you woke me up by plugging in the amp outside my door and blasting “never gonna give you up” at full volume.”

“Don’t forget “nyan cat” as well,” reminded Kuroo, “that was a classic.”

“Is the food ready yet?” asked Bokuto as he walked into the kitchen.

“The curry is, just waiting on the rice. Don’t eat any, its still hot,” warned Akaashi as Bokuto had already taken a spoonful of curry.

“Ahh it burns,” exclaimed Bokuto.

“You piece of shit,” responded Akaashi.

“It was worth it,” replied Bokuto as he frantically got himself some water.

“Want me to kiss it better?” asked Kuroo as the rice cooker beeped to say that it was ready. Tsukishima got up and started looking through the drawer for the rice scoop.

“Where’s the rice shovel?” he asked.

“The what?”

“The little white shovel you use to get the rice out,” he made a scooping motion with his hand.

“We’ve used that thing like once, just use a regular spoon,” said Kuroo as he handed Tsukishima a fork.

“This is a fork,” stated Tsukishima.

“Then use that,” said Kuroo as he took the fork off Tsukishima and used it to get himself some rice. Tsukishima gasped in mock outrage.

“Like an animal,” he stage whispered and Akaashi giggled while looking in the next drawer down and pulling out the rice paddle.

“Here you go,” he said as he handed it to Tsukishima, “this establishment has an air of refinement now.”

“Smells a lot like curry,” remarked Bokuto as he started getting some rice for himself. Tsukishima had moved onto the actual curry and was using the ladle to trail through the mixture. Akaashi sighed.

“Tsukishima you can’t just pick out the food you don’t like!” he complained. Tsukishima was a notoriously picky eater but he had tried to make sure none of the (long) list of Tsukishima’s disliked foods had made it in.

“I’m not doing that…” said Tsukishima as he continued to pick through the curry.

“Then what are you doing?” asked Akaashi.

“Looking for water chestnuts,” answered Tsukishima.

“I thought you didn’t like them very much?” asked Bokuto.

“I don’t,” answered Tsukishima, “but Kuroo does.”

“Hey! That’s just rude,” remarked Kuroo as he took the spoon off of Tsukishima and put a large spoonful into his boyfriend’s bowl. Tsukishima gasped.

“Now I have to pick through all of that!” he complained.

“Yeah well do it at the table,” replied Kuroo as he started scooping his own bowl, “it’ll be quicker that way and you always end up putting most of it into my bowl anyway.”

“Can we eat in the lounge room?” asked Bokuto, “we can watch a dvd or something.”

“What dvd?” asked Tsukishima as he headed to the lounge room and looked through their shelf, “What about Captain America 1?”

“Nah I watched it the other day,” answered Kuroo.

“What about The Blind Side?”

“No thanks, that movie goes forever and I kinda just want to sleep right now,” answered Akaashi.

“That movie doesn’t go forever” defended Bokuto.

“It feels like it does,” remarked Akaashi, “so boring.”

“What about that documentary Kenma gave Akaashi for his birthday?” asked Kuroo.

“I’m fairly certain that was a gag gift,” answered Akaashi.

“Yeah but we should at least check it out, I mean, he went to all the trouble of getting it for you!”

“He told me he got it from the Big W reject bin,” deadpanned Akaashi, “and even if he hadn’t told me he wouldn't have needed to considering he left the sticker on… and didn’t wrap it… or even put it in a bag… he sorta just threw it at me: it was possibly the least amount of effort someone could put into a gift.”

“I do sort of appreciate the irony of your ace friend getting you ‘Exotica and Erotica of the deep’ though,” said Tsukishima as he opened what Akaashi assumed to be said dvd and put it in the player.

“Guys if we’re putting this on I’m going to bed,” said Akaashi as he got up to leave.

“Quick Bokuto!” yelped Kuroo as he grabbed one of Akaashi’s legs, “grab his other leg!”

Bokuto quickly jumped in and grabbed Akaashi’s leg. Akaashi just sighed as two of his boyfriends grabbed his legs and attempted to keep walking. He was doing an okay job of crawling forward until Tsukishima figured he’d better help and grabbed Akaashi around the waist.

“Sorry love,” he whispered, “looks like you’re stuck down here.”

Akaashi sent him a glare and Bokuto just whooped.

“Yeah babe! Be an Anchor!” he shouted as Akaashi attempted to push him off, “Anchors don’t feel pain!”

Akaashi just sighed.

“If I sit down will you all let me go?” he asked.

“Probably not,” answered Kuroo, “because there’s the chance of you trying to get up again.”

Akaashi attempted to walk further and even made it a few steps before Tsukishima nudged the other two on the ground and made a motion that Akaashi couldn’t see.

“Okay guys, now!” said Tsukishima and the other two let go of Akaashi’s legs, he stumbled forwards slightly and probably would’ve fallen had it not been for Tsukishima’s tight grip around his waist. Without the added weight of the other two, Tsukishima was now able to lift him up and just carry him back to the couch. Akaashi just sighed again as Kuroo put a blanket over the two of them on the couch before joining in. Bokuto came and joined them a little bit later with a giant container of Skittles and Tsukishima pressed play on the dvd.

Ten minutes into the dvd and Akaashi was bored.

“This is boring,” he remarked, “where is all the fish porn?”

“They’re getting to that!” insisted Kuroo, “first they’ve gotta show you all their equipment.”

“How are you so certain?” asked Akaashi, “have you seen this before?”

“Why would I have seen this before?”

“I don’t know, for all I know this is your favourite documentary of all time and this was an elaborate ploy set up by you and Kenma to get us to watch your weird things.”

“Wow man that’s kind of harsh,” said Kuroo as he threw a skittle at Akaashi. Akaashi moved slightly and caught it in his mouth. Kuroo stared at him wide eyed.

“That was incredible,” he remarked, “do it again!” he said as he threw another skittle. Akaashi tried to catch it again but Kuroo had been trying to aim this time and missed, hitting him on the cheek.

“That was awful,” said Akaashi, “let me try, my aim is better.”

“Why on earth would your aim be better?” asked Kuroo as he opened his mouth anyway.

“Because I’m a setter,” said Akaashi as he threw the skittle into Kuroo’s mouth, “see?”

“You do have a point,” said Kuroo, “but I’m a spiker! You’d think I’d have good aim.”

“You’re more of a blocker though aren’t you?” asked Bokuto, “let me try!” he grabbed a skittle and threw it directly at Kuroo’s face.

“Oww!” Kuroo whined, “that hurt! You didn’t even wait for me to open my mouth or anything.”

“Okay let me try again, “ said Bokuto as he threw another one directly into Kuroo’s face. Kuroo just growled and grabbed a handful of Skittles and attempted to dump them down the front of Bokuto’s shirt. Akaashi just giggled in the background.

“Guys stop it!” shouted Tsukishima as he got an entire handful and threw it directly into all of their faces, evenly distributed between the three of them, “they’re showing my favourite type of shrimp!”

The other three all fell silent for a few moments.

“You… have a favourite type of shrimp?” asked Kuroo in disbelief.

“That’s mad gay bro,” said Bokuto.

“Shut up!” said Tsukishima with a slight blush on his cheeks.

“It's the mantis shrimp right?“ asked Akaashi conversationally, “that shrimp is actually kinda cool.”

“kinda cool?” asked Tsukishima incredulously, “the bigger ones can break through aquarium glass!”

The other three were silent for a moment.

“Can it do anything else?” asked Akaashi conversationally.

“It also has really good eyesight for seeing colour,” said Tsukishima, “like, try to imagine three more colours; its really hard right? Now imagine that times’d by four.”

“Oh,” said Kuroo, “that’s actually pretty cool. How do they mate though?”

“Well we’d know if we had been paying attention,” groaned Tsukishima, “now it’s talking about clownfish.”

“You sound genuinely disappointed that you didn’t get to find out how shrimp mate,” commented Akaashi, “couldn’t you just look it up?”

“Why would I look it up when I could learn it from this documentary?” Tsukishima said and Bokuto gasped.

“Its you!” he remarked, Tsukishima just stared at him in confusion until he continued; “like, you’re the one with the hidden agenda! You and Kenma came up with this whole scheme so you could find out how these shrimp mate.”  
Kuroo also gasped as though this was a plausible theory, Akaashi giggled again and Tsukishima just shook his head.

“You don’t think I would’ve come up with a better plan that that?” he asked in disbelief, “like, surely you don’t think that little of me?”

“And now you’re trying to throw us off the scent!” accused Kuroo, “its actually genius.”

“Can we just watch now?” asked Tsukishima with a roll of his eyes, neither confirming nor denying his boyfriends’ hypothesis.

They all settled down to watch but within twenty minutes three of them had managed to fall asleep, Akaashi was the only one still awake, too trapped within the confines of his boyfriends to attempt moving to Kuroo and Bokuto’s bedroom, and too warm to fall asleep. He sighed and settled in, watching the documentary talk about Octopi.

Eventually Oikawa and Iwaizumi walked in the door and eyed them all on the couch. Akaashi put a finger to his lips and both the housemates nodded before turning to the screen, where two Octopi were doing unseemly things to each other.

“Um, what are you watching?” asked Iwaizumi incredulously.

“It’s called ‘Exotica and Erotica of the Deep’” answered Akaashi, “it was a birthday present and it was not my idea to watch it.”

“So why are you still watching it?” asked Oikawa and Akaashi just shrugged.

“Its sorta interesting I guess?” he said, “did you know that the male octopus has a special penis arm? Like an arm that is specifically a penis? And it goes into the female’s nostril? Then she gives birth and dies. Weird.”

“Um, that is certainly… news,” remarked Oikawa, “we might just… go upstairs now.” Iwaizumi nodded vigorously.

“Wait guys,” Akaashi held his arm out, “quick question: would you still be my friend if I had a special penis arm?”

Oikawa gaped at him and Iwaizumi looked thoughtful.

“Honestly, we’d probably be better friends,” replied Iwaizumi. Akaashi just nodded at him and Oikawa looked more incredulous.

“What about fingers?” asked Akaashi and Oikawa just grabbed Iwaizumi by the shoulder and dragged him upstairs.

“That’s too much Akaashi,” he shouted, waking the other three up.

“What was that?” asked Kuroo sleepily.

“Oikawa is a bad friend,” remarked Akaashi, “would you still be my friend if I had special penis fingers?”

“Most definitely,” said Kuroo with a vigorous nod.

“Not you too!” Tsukishima muttered in horror.

**Author's Note:**

> Come say hi on [tumblr!](http://callingallbutterflies.tumblr.com/)


End file.
